Kindness and all its problems... a rule book of sorts to maintain a healthy state of kindness!

Hello beautiful people,
It was so good to get my words on a page last week, so I am back for some more. But this time for something a little different.

One of the biggest hurdles people have when doing something like 365 days of kindness is that they burn out fast. So I have written a tiny rule book for those who are brave enough to embark on this journey for themselves. And PLEASE try doing a version of this kindness yourselves!!! It really is amazing! :)

One of the reasons that people burn out is that they forget to look after themselves. And I don't mean that they forget to eat or sleep or drink (although Im sure my family could remind me that occasionally I have done all of all these things). Sometimes people forget to be kind to themselves. I forget to be kind to myself too. Most of the time, and particularly lately, I expect too much from myself. Yes, I want to change the world, but that's not going to mean that the world changes overnight! Which is a bummer really because everything would be so much easier if it were that simple, not to mention that much faster! I have been frustrated that I couldn't help someone, or that I didn't see someone that needed help (or at least not until I was thinking about it later ), or sometimes I'm not fast enough to perform an act of kindness and I feel like I'm letting the world down. The reality is I am only ONE PERSON and I am the only one being let down, because I expect so much of myself! Yes, every kindness makes the world a better place, but every kindness you do is one more beautiful thing that exists in the world! After all that lady over there with the heavy shopping, she doesn't expect me to help her with her shopping... That guy in the wheelchair going through the door does not expect me to hold the door open for him (in fact he has become quite adept at doing it without any help), the screaming baby doesn't expect me to stop it crying by making faces at it in the shopping center and neither does the babies mum. I think that is why kindness is so important though, because we do not expect people to perform acts of kindness, that is why they are so powerful. But I need to be kinder to myself. RULE NUMBER ONE: Be Kinder to Yourself! I have started doing a kindness for myself as regularly as possible. It may be buying a new book (yes i still am a bibliophile), or getting a massage, or buying myself a "Soy Chai Latte", or it could be giving myself the morning off from caring for mum by letting myself sleep in(when she needs sleep too), or visiting someone I know will perk my mood up. Yet, it is so important to care for yourself, because if you don't look after yourself, then you will be of no use to anyone... including yourself!!!!

A second pitfall for a kind person is forgetting how blessed we really are. When you are doing things for others a lot, you can see how others live and get jealous or even "preachy" about how people should live their lives. It may seem funny that people who are being Kind all the time can be like this... but it happens. Oh boy, does it happen. I have found myself being jealous of the things I have done for others because I've begun to expect people to do the same things for me. Now this might, to the outsider, seem logical. After all you are giving, therefore you should receive! Right? But to someone who is trying to live the "kind life" its not always this simple. If you always expect the same thing from others, you will be perpetually disappointed. Not everyone is going to want to make YOU a cup of tea in the morning, carry YOUR groceries, bring in YOUR Rubbish/Garbage bin, or buy YOU lunch! After all not everyone has the same wage as you, or want to spend it the same way YOU do. Or have the same ability to brew tea, carry heavy loads or the time to bring in your garbage bin. One of the greatest ways to be a kindness ambassador is to not expect anything from anyone. This is not a rule, just a really helpful note! If you expect it you will be unsatisfied, but if you don't expect something, then it is always always a blessing when something comes your way. I like to think Karma exists, but it might not be a one-for-one deal (as in you do a kind deed and someone does exactly the same in return), and Karma almost never comes the way you want it to or expect it too.
RULE NUMBER TWO: Be grateful! When you are grateful for what you have and what you can do for others you don't have time to be jealous. 

Another problem that adds to the burn out, is that there is often the feeling that you are always giving and never receiving. Yes, we should all give generously, but that doesn't stop us from wanting kindness ourselves. When you are giving all the time it can seem that you are the only one who does this. But its not until you stop and pay attention you realize that other people are doing small kindnesses for you too. I think you all know that I write at least 10 or more things I am grateful for, that happened though out the day, every night before I go to sleep. I follow that up with my Kindness for the day. Recently I started taking account for the things other people do for me because I was so caught up with what I was doing for everyone else. I forgot to look for the things others were doing for me. RULE NUMBER THREE: Pay attention to what others do for you - add this to your blessings everyday! So I started paying attention. Whether it be your best friend who pays for a movie twice in a weekend (thanks Tanya), you sister who takes your mum for a night so you can have a night at your friends (thanks V), a friend who does your washing up after you've made a mess in their kitchen (Thanks Tanya & Kylee), or a friend who compliments you on an awesome job with a blog post (thanks Eva, Terry & Tahlienna), Or someone who gives you the opportunity to try something you have been wanting to do for ages (thanks Taylor). These are a few of my friend blessings that are from this week alone. I got stuck for a while not seeing all the amazing things my family and friends did for me, which was their kindness to me. 

One of the greatest pit falls a kindness ambassador can fall into is judging others and their worth. I have been on a few dozen kindness sites and really struggled with the reactions of some people. Sure, the best/easiest person to be kind to in the world is the ones who obviously need help, ie. Street people, those in financial struggles, the person crying at the shop, underprivileged people etc. One of the things I have noticed is the reaction people have is to those who come from wealthier parts of society. Yes they might have more money, more social status, more ability to do large acts of kindness but just because they have all this, does not mean that we should withhold kindness from them. I am not one who earns lots of money... although I make the most of what I do earn! My annual income is pretty low, yet I still find that EVERYBODY needs kindness. Sure they might not need a $50 gift card from your local supermarket, but they may need your spare change to help them get through the checkout faster. Another group that miss out, are those that are rude to us. Sure their hostility can be a warning, so be careful, but if you can safely ignore it, these people need the kindness more than ever! I once had a drive-thru lady sound rude and curt at the speaker box, others in the car commented on her manner, so i made the extra effort to be super cheery and thank her for her work and for getting our food promptly. The others in the car thought I was nuts, but she needed that! By the time we left, food in hand, she was smiling at least! It may have been because she also thought I was crazy, but if it meant the next car had a smiling server, it was exactly what I was meant to do! There is a quote that I always hear (sadly I don't know the writer) "You never know what people have been through! Everyone is fighting a hard battle".  The hardest part is that sometimes we don't even know we are judging others. So please be careful who you judge as worthy. Everyone is worthy of kindness... that is why it is so powerful and makes such a difference in the world. Not only is withholding kindness a cruelty to others but also to ourselves. We become limited in the impact we can make in the world. RULE NUMBER FOUR: Everybody Needs Kindness.


Okay, so in short my rule book is very simple:
RULE NUMBER ONE: Be Kinder to Yourself!
RULE NUMBER TWO: Be grateful!
RULE NUMBER THREE: Pay attention to what others do for you!
RULE NUMBER FOUR: Everybody Needs Kindness.  

I have been doing this project in its various forms for almost 5 years now. And I encourage anyone who wants to give "365 days of kindness" a go, to do it!!! Give it a go!! Even if you only last a week or a month, that is 7 to 31 more kindnesses in the world! And everyday you do it, that is one more kind deed out there in the world! :) Honestly, it can be hard for the first few weeks, but then you get into a pattern and realize that kindness is just a way of life. Then suddenly its 5 years later and you are doing kindnesses with joy and passion! :)

Think about it! If it is something you want to do, give me a buzz as I can help you out with a few resources! If you want them? You do not have to do a blog about it, you don't have to even keep a record! I like to keep one just to see all the things I have done! But Everyone is different! :)

I hope this helps anyone trying to live a kinder life.
With love and kindness,
Luv Daena

Last nights talk... at least I think it went fairly well!

Hey everyone, 

Last night I gave my talk at the Floreat Salvation Army. As many of you missed it, and asked for me to share it here, I have decided to! I'm trying to be good... so I'm not postponing posting this for some time in the future either! Go me! lol! I may just get all of last years RAKs online by the end of this year! lol!

Before you read the following, let me be really clear, this is MY theology. This is what I believe and I do not expect you to believe the same thing as I do! I understand that everyone has their own idea of God (gods, or divine teachers), faith, religion and theology!

So please, do like I usually ask... try it on and if it doesn't fit, discard it. 

NOTE: Before I started the actual "talk" last night, we watched Peaches Neet Feet (the link is in the previous blog post!). The video is pretty awesome! :) 

Kindness

Galatians 5:22-26 -New International Version (NIV)

" ²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other"

I was reading over these verses last night. The fruits of the spirit! (in my version of the bible) They are love, joy, peace, endurance, patients, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. The one that resonates with me most is Kindness. For the last four years kindness has been showing up clearly in my life.


In 2009, i was getting frustrated with the worlds focus on pain and suffering. Newspapers & television broadcasts, local, state, national and international news are all focused on the negative. So I decided I would start a project online to encourage people to act kindly to those around them and so PROJECT 25 was born. I invited friends of mine from all over the world to participate by doing a kind act for another in their community. I asked then, to write a small report on it and email it to me, so that we could all celebrate the "good things" in life. I also hoped it would get other motivated to do their own Acts of Kindness.

My aim was 1000 reports in the space of a year, from the 25th of June 2009- 25th of June 2010. Its called Project 25, as it was to finish on my 25th birthday!

Anyway, so i hoped for a 1000 kindness reports and i got.... drum roll please.... that's right... 36! Okay, so its not the 1000 reports that i had hoped for, but the project was still a success! Over 36 people were touched by kindness (that's just those who wrote the reports not those affected by it). There were some awesome reports that came in too. Like this one... from Germany. 

 

This was a person helping a friend move house.... without much success, BUT they had a lot of fun! 

Anyways, I published these Project 25-Random Acts of Kindness reports on Facebook and all those who had expressed interest in the Project 25 concept (well over 300 hundred people) enjoyed the reports. 

All those who participated had a good time and I started wondering about doing it all again. But i decided that the best way to get people motivated is to lead by example, so i decided to start a side project. 

What was a good way to boost numbers for Project 25? That's right! Committing to doing a kindness per day for 365 days, a whole year! 

To be honest I didn't tell too many people about it! I was pretty sure they would have thought I was nuts! I thought I was nuts and that it would be impossible. But i started on the 1st of January 2011, after giving myself 6 months off from Project 25. 

I decided to run both over a calendar year, instead of between my birthdays. I decided the best way for me to remain accountable, and also so i would actually do a kind deed every day, was to write about it on an online diary, or as most people call them, a Blog. 

It was good to be able to keep people up to date with my kind deeds and to avoid premeditated failure. 

So on December 31, 2011, I completed 365 Days of Kindness.  I actually did it! A whole year of kind deeds! After a year of this "side project" i realized that i couldn't stop there! So i decided to keep going! And i have crazily committed myself to another year of doing a kindness per day. This year thought there are 366 days thought so i get to do an extra day of kindness instead of just 365days.. a bonus day!

The main thing that i have learned from all of this is that people are inherently kind! its is the fruit of the spirit which exists in all of us! Yet we choose between kindness & compassion and between selfishness & abuse. 

It is a pretty hard thing to grasp in such a short time, but I'll do my best to explain why kindness is so important and what it has to do with God! you know, apart from the fruits of the spirits thing! 

At the beginning of the bible we are given the Jewish laws, of which there are over 300 of them. Years later, God sent his servant Moses, and he simplified the Jewish laws with the 10 commandments. Another couple of thousand years come and go, and Jesus comes along and simplifies the last 10 commandments and condenses it down to two! 

Matthew 22:37-40

" ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^{[a] 38} This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^{[b] 40} All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

I guess I need to ask the question, how much do you love yourself? and I dont mean it in an arrogant way! 

I love myself enough to not intentionally hurt people, to treat people with love and respect and to treat myself the same way.

I need to be very clear here! I am NOT perfect! And i don't think i am in any way better than any of you!

I have those days when i get angry at the guy who cut me off, or grumble loudly to a waitress to make her feel bad that she has taken 10 minutes to serve me that her usual 5! I yell at people and grisle but i make the choice to react badly or I choose to be understanding or honest or patient! 

I understand (most days) that the guy who cut me off was probably as a result of another driver and not the poor guy I am silently, or not so silently, yelling at in my car. Or I am honest with myself that there are only 3 staff on instead of the usual 4, and the waitress is not responsible for a staff shortage. I try to be patient with the little things so that I will not get as frustrated. I am patient that I even have these reactions.

But I guess you're asking yourself, what does all of this have to do with Kindness?

I believe kindness is the foundation of the two great commandments. The word "love" is often brandished about a lot. People often use if for their own gain. 

Kindness however is a little harder to do that with as there are so many traits that are the basis of kindness.At times its difficult to actually express kindness when one or more of these traits is missing.

Trying to be the "Kindness Guru" that people imagine me to be, I have been reading a lot about it! Piero Ferrucci, in the book "The Power of Kindness -  The unexpected benefits of leading a Compassionate life", talks about the traits that are difficult to do with out. 

They are honesty, warmth, forgiveness, trust, mindfullness, empathy, humility, patience, generosity, respect, flexibility, memory, loyalty, gratitude, service and joy. Correct me if i am wrong, but these are also the basis of a good marriage and great love. Without one of these traits, kindness falls down, as does the final commandment Jesus gave us. 

Jesus was a man who displayed all of these traits in his life. I could have gone through the bible and given you an example of each trait with a bible verse or story, but i think you know what i mean. 

Kindness is the foundation of all Jesus did and he did it because of love. Love is a great motivator, Kindness is the expression of it. 

I want to read a little from the Preface of the book by Piero Ferrucci. Like me, the Dalai Lama read this book and thought it was pretty awesome. So i just want to read a little about what he had to say about it. 

"I believe that if we stop to think, it is clear that our very survival, even today depends upon the acts and kindness of so many people. Right from the moment of our birth, we are under the care and kindness of our parents; later in life, when facing the suffering of disease and old age, we are again dependent on the kindness of others. If at the beginning and end of our lives we depend upon others kindness, why then in the middle, when we have the opportunity, should we not act kindly toward others? 

Kindness and compassion are among the principal things that make our life meaningful. They are the source of lasting happiness and joy. they are the foundation of a good heart, the heart of one who acts out of the desire to help others. Through kindness, and thus through the affection, honesty, truth and justice toward everyone else, we ensure our own benefit. This is a matter of common sense. Consideration for others is worthwhile because our happiness is inextricably bound up  with the happiness of others. Similarly, if society suffers, we ourselves suffer. On the other hand, the more our hearts and minds are afflicted with ill will, the more miserable we become. therefore, we cannot avoid the necessity of kindness and compassion. [...]

It is tremendously important that we try to make something positive of our lives! We are not born for the purpose of causing trouble and harming others. For our lives to be of value ... we need to foster and nurture such basic good human qualities as warmth, kindness, and compassion. If we can do that, our lives will become meaningful, happier, and more peaceful; we will make a positive contribution to the world around us" (Ferrucci, 2006, ix-xi)

Earlier, i shared the video "Peaches Neet Feet", and i simply love this video becuase it shows what one person can do with a passion, like painting, and that is so simple. 

To finish up as i usually do i want to issue with a challenge... but before i do that i want to show you a video. This is what is possible, and this is how by doing something nice for someone else, you can have a large impact, a boomerang effect! 

Kindesses can be so simple! We even, sometimes, doing them without thinking about it. 

From holding a door open for a stranger, with a disability or with prams and children. To calling, texting,or emailing a friend you haven't seen for a while, to paying for a strangers meal, to spending time volunteering for a charity. These are but a few ideas. Use your imagination! There are so many opportunities. 

I know the Salvation Army are usually linked to doing these things, but make it a kindness not a duty. if you feel like you HAVE to do these things, then it is NOT a kindness it is duty. And if you resent having to do an act of service, again, it is NOT a kindness! 

Kindnesses are fun (or funny when you think about that photo i showed you)! And the giver gains as much as the reciever. It is an injection of goodwill and has "unexpected benefits". 

My challenge to you, is to do a kind deed this month. Write it down! Remember it! Know what you are capable of! By being kind, you are also expressing Gods love for you, and his two greatest commandments! THE END!"

I hope you enjoyed this talk as much as those there did! I had a fairly positive response to my message at the time!

I hope this finds you well and that you get something out of this message! 

Much love, 

Daena xxx

p.s. if you see or can pick up a copy of "The Power of Kindness - The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life" by Piero Ferrucci... I strongly recommend it. Its a very challenging book, but it is also an inspiration! Its one persons interpretation of Kindness but it seems to make a lot of sense! Its also about $12-$13 from The Book Depository and has free shipping internationally! :)