Most memorable kindness - a single rose

I was listening to The Kindness Podcast with a friend at work today. One of the questions regularly posed at the end of each episode is “what is your favourite kindness story”? KC and I were discussing what the biggest kindness we ever received was.

I didn’t know what mine was. I have been been thinking about it all day.

I have a few very memorable moments but I finally realised that the kindness that moves me even now is one from one of the hardest days of my life.

The day my father died.

My father, Vic, had been struggling with a rare brain disease for almost a decade when he finally passed away. He had been in a high care facility that we visited almost every day.

 Over the course of the 7 years* that dad had been in the facility he had been close to death on several occasions. Including the times we were told that he wouldn’t live until Christmas… on more than one occasion. We had even sat vigil over him when they told us he wouldn’t live through the night (2 years before his actual death). But my father made a recovery, surprising us all. He had made a miraculous recovery on each and every occasion.  Never quite returning to his previous state of health, the way he has been before the most recent brain bleed or stroke he had. He deteriorated a lot and recovered slightly. But he always seemed to recover to a certain extent.

Needless to say the day he actual died we couldn’t believe it. My sister even made a 45 minute drive to come and see him. Because she just expected him to wake up. It’s almost funny now to look back on our reactions but shock at the time was in full force.

When we first went in to see him, within an hour or two of his death, we noticed one of the beautiful staff members had made a tiny gesture because he knew how hard it would be for us. His kindness was simple. But it left a strong memory with me. This kind carer had placed a shroud over my dad with a single white rose on his chest. That tiny detail is what I remember. The white rose. That someone had thought to soften the blow of my fathers death by leaving a single solitary rose on his chest. It was beautiful.

I sat with my fathers body for 2 hours whilst we waited for the funeral home to come and get him. I kept expecting him to breathe again. I didn’t take my eyes off my dads chest for almost the whole time. For that time I almost stared exclusively at a single white rose. I held a cold hand and cried staring at the chest of a man who had been breathing when I had seen him only a few hours earlier.

I don’t think the Carer who left the rose would ever know how much that small gesture meant to me and my family. It meant the world.

I sometimes wonder what little moments of beauty my dad caused in his life to make others lives better. He always made other people feel seen and heard. He didn’t care if someone was a politician or a homeless person, a policeman or a priest, a farmer or a city slicker, and indigenous person or a non-Australian, he made friends with people from all walks of life, from a variety of countries around the globe. He spoke with kindness to so many and of so many. I hope that I can continue to grow into a woman he would be proud to call his daughter.

I hope that you continue to do small kind deeds because you never know what impact they will have on those around you. After all who would expect a white rose to have been so powerful.

Sending love to you all,
Love Daena x


*note: For 3 years after his diagnosis, dad was cared for at home before he needed more support that my mum and the rest of our little family could provide on our own. It was a very hard decision for my mum but Dad thrived in that environment. He was loved by all the nurses because he would be kind (& cheeky) and loved a cuppa and a chat which he could coax out of everyone! Even when he couldn’t talk towards the end he loved to sit and hold hands with whom ever was there. My dad is missed by us all.

Update of my life... 6 months on...

Hey everyone,

You probably haven’t heard from me for a while, and if you are wondering how I am going, well here we go. I am going as well as can be expected...

Last week was the 6^th month anniversary of my fathers death, which also co-coincided with what would have been my mum and dads 37^th Wedding Anniversary. In the weeks to come we are looking at all the things we need to do to create a place to have my dads ashes put.

6 months ago, we got a phone call from my dads nursing home telling us he had passed away in his sleep! We stood vigil around his body, my sister making the trek down the hill to be with us in the wee hours of the morning! I can't believe it has been 6 months! It feels like both days and years since we waited with dad for the funeral home to take him away from the place he had called home for 7 years!

I miss dad so very much! I miss going to tell him about all the good stuff I've done, and talking with him about all the struggles and heartbreak too! He was a fighter & had such an amazing sense of humour! He was stubborn, generous, outrageous and kind!

To my mum, who would have last week celebrated her 37th wedding anniversary with my father too, I love you! So very much! You are so strong even when you have been so broken yourself! You are so loved!!!

My sister & brother in law, thank you for standing beside us through it all when you had so many of your own burdens to bare!

For my niece and nephew... Thank you for the smiles, & tears and the reminders that we need to take things a little less seriously! I love you both!

To my friends both near and far... To my Samwise Gamgee, for helping me, your Frodo, carry that ring to Mordor! Thank you to all of you who helped me get through these last few months! From food drops, dinner outings, care packages, flowers, cards, hugs, kisses, love and amazing kindness! Thank you for holding me together when I felt like I was just pieces of glitter on the wind... To now being a few bigger fragments of my former self! I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

And sadly but finally to those who have spoken to us about "getting over it" or "moving on", I need to say... grieving doesn't work like that!!! We have been broken, shattered by both the illness dad underwent and also his death, then to deal with mums cancer and other things, some small, whilst some were tectonic. These things breaking us into smaller fragments of ourselves, to the point we thought we would end up dust in the wind! The fact we are still in small fragments at all is a celebration! We haven't been ground down, blown away, given up, or lost who we are! But to become a single person again is going to take days, months and years! Every day we miss dad & that won't stop! Not now, not in 10 years, not in 50 years! So please, please don't expect any of us to "get over it" or "move on"! Life is not that simple or that black and white! Please be patient!

What I most want to say is that I love my dad! I am who I am because of him. He lives on in the hearts of those who knew him! I just can't believe it's been over 6 months! Rest peacefully dad I miss you!

Mum, my strong, strong mum,  is recovering from the cancer. 5 months ago she was operated on. And for someone who has no cancer any more, it is amazing how many non-deadly complications there can be. I think I have to say we have almost had them all. I remember before mum had her surgery that the physios said to us that they will continue to care for her for 2 years after the surgery. I remember thinking … 2 years is a bloody long time... why would we need to be here for that long? But it turns out that they treat cancer patients for that long, because people need help for that long. Like mum needs the help. People have made comments that make me cringe, like “because she doesn’t have the cancer any more, means she should be okay now”. I'd like to think it was that simple... but its not. The doctor recently explained it to me, and my mum, that it was like having two amputations. The body reacts so violently when you loose and arm or a leg... and as it turns out... two breasts. Mum has been so courageous through it all. I am so proud of her for her strength. It is true what they say about women ... "You don't know how strong a woman is until you put her in hot water". The best thing that has come out of mum having had cancer is that almost every female friend over the age of 45 has booked in and gone for a mammogram since mums surgery. Which is amazing! If you are a woman over 45 or if you find a lump in your breast (this can be guys too) head to the doctor and get a mammogram or ultrasound.

Mentally I have fought to find the good things, that I know are there. I see my friends and family struggling with so many issues of their own. I just wish I could wrap them all in cotton wool, give them the resources they need and give them the biggest cuddle in the world. Or take away the problems they have like some sort of Kindness Fairy. Sadly the world doesn’t work like that... and if I did start wrapping my friends in cotton wool and taking them away from the things that hurt them... apart from being considered a lunatic... its not very good for those people, my friends. We all need to push past our own issues, and deal with them in their own way, and in doing so grow stronger as a result. Still my heart bleeds for those who are doing it tough at the moment. I send you my love and my hope that things will get better in the future.

I keep my gratitude journals going. 10 things every day that I am grateful for. Sometimes that is harder than others... but there is ALWAYS something to be grateful.

Keeping my gratitude journal going means I also have a continual physical record of all my Kindnesses too. I haven't stopped even through all the craziness in my life. Even though I have mainly stopped blogging in that time, and it has been only with my sisters help that I have kept up the Facebook page. Thanks Vandra! :) 

I have to focus on the positive things at the moment (so I don't get too down)...Which kind of leads me to my next thing. Some awesome news this month was that I got a job. Its only a little job for a short amount of time but its very important to me because it gets me out of the house, (leaving mum in the safe hands of others) and doing something for the greater community.

I have recently started work at the Social Justice Unit for the Uniting Church. Our little unit has, since I have been there, been a part of organising and running a conference on Eco-issues, sustainability and how those who believe in God are called to look after his creation; they have offered homes to children of Asylum Seekers who are living in detention (along with other church groups) (Read more here); and also made statements and stands on Sustainable resources not Uranium (Read more here).

I like to think that all of this work is another form of kindness. Kindness for those that cannot protect themselves (i.e.. Mother earth/Gaia/Gods creation & the human beings who most need our care). I, personally, like to start with sorting things out in our own countries before trying to tackle those in the wider world. It brings me back to one of my dads favourite musicals, Godspell, “How can you pick a speck of saw dust from your brothers eye, when all the time there is a great plank in your own.”

I, personally, have really struggled with the way that the current Australian government is treating the humans & the land in its care. Focusing on money, not kindness. No government is perfect, don't get me wrong, but this particular government seems to be doing more harm than good. So I want to do more kindness to compensate. Of course I don’t have the same money or resource’s the government in Australia has, but I have been looking at ways that the average human can make a difference. I think I might have found a few ways.

Do you think there is any way that us, mere mortals, can make a difference in our own communities for the better? If so, how? If not, why not?

Okay... I bet this wasn’t quite what you were expecting when you started reading... politics. I know politics is always controversial. I don’t like politics much myself, but we can't escape it.

I stand for Kindness. I stand for it every day. And I only want kindness for everyone. I know... it seems like the impossible dream. But someone has to dream it right? So it may as well be me! If you share a similar dream, I would love to hear about it.

Love and Kindness,

Daena Xx

And you thought things couldnt get any crazier...

Hello my beautiful people!

So its just over 3 months since my father passed away. Tomorrow would have been my dads 76th birthday, had he been alive to celebrate it with us. He was a man I will marvel at and cherish in my heart for the rest of my existence.

In the last 3 months its been some kind of crazy. And you thought having a funeral for your dad 3 days before your best friends wedding was full on? Well it got even more wild and dangerous here. 3 days after the wedding my mum went in for a mammogram, 5 days later she was asked to come in to discuss their findings only to discover she had breast cancer. So they gave us a date for the surgery about two weeks later. Mum was hoping she had time to get her head together, but they called a few days later to move the surgery closer. They had gotten the pathology back and the cancer was aggressive... small but aggressive.

So she went into surgery and had a double mastectomy... one breast with cancer one without! They took both because we have a stupidly high number of cases of breast cancer in the family.  We don't know if we have the genes yet... so only then can we (my sister and i) make choices about our own health and long term physical well being.

What I found most amazing was that after having such a radical surgery she was home within 24 hours!!!! Seems crazy right? but its actually because people are more likely to heal in their home environment away from "Sick people" at hospital. She is immuno compromised so she could catch anything at the moment. So it makes sense... just seems weird! lol

So for the first 6 days we had nurses visit daily to check the drains, and eventually (and disturbingly to me) remove them. I don't do blood & bodily fluids well... and that was too much for this little princess to cope with. I was not born to be a doctor or a nurse! Kudos to those of you out there who are!!! You are an amazing group of people.

A HUGE thank you to all those amazing Doctors, surgeons, staff, nurses (both at the hospital and visiting), physios and councilors at the hospital who were just absolutely amazing with my mum and with a pair of very concerned "kids".

My sister and I learned so much about ourselves and about our friends and family. Thank you to all those people who sent us notes, emails, texts, cards, flowers, food, support, love, thinking of you's... they made so much of a difference to us. We are so grateful for all of you! Thank you!

Mums health and recovery has not been simple, by any means. Ive learned some things I never knew before existed with breast cancer "Cording" & "seromas" just to name a few.  But we have got the amazing news that she is cancer free and does not need Chemo or Radio therapy. We are so blessed that they found the cancer so early and were able to remove it before it did some serious systemic damage. Really we are totally grateful... after all I couldn't have lost my mum and my dad in the same year. I think that might literally have killed me.

And through it all my mum has been grieving for my dad. But you wouldn't believe how strong she is. Sure she cried a lot(and continues to on occasion) , but you would too if you had lost your husband and survived breast cancer all in the same month. She is stronger than she thinks she is and I am so proud of everything she has achieved and done for us through all of it. I love you mum! So does Vandra! We are proud of you for just keeping on going... because sometimes that is the hardest part!

One of my favorite quotes, and forgive me for not knowing who said it, but it seems adequate here...
"Women are like tea bags. You don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water."

 I have had some added complications too with my own health because about now you were expecting this story to be over... after all how much can one family bare?
 *Be warned gentlemen & Squeamish ladies this is a bit gynecological... so i totally understand if you want to skip this next paragraph entirely...*

So the surgery I had last year, to burn some of the Endometriosis off my uterus, was then a success but now my own uterus has decided to fight back. in other words they are pretty sure the Endometriosis is back (WAY SOONER than expected) less than 10 months after the surgery. So the doctor has told me that I need to think about having kids sooner rather than later, because in 5 years or after, with the deterioration of my uterus and the damage the Endometriosis is doing, I might not be able to have kids. So that sucks a bit because I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone a fiance or husband. And I always hoped I would not have kids on my own. My family have been beautiful and have said that if i want to have babies on my own they would support me! Thank you my beautiful people! I'm still not sure a lifetime of commitment (to a baby/child/teen/etc) would be the best way to cure a gynecological issue.

But i am clinging to the hope that my best friend has been beating me with... she has told me of a work colleague who had the same condition and was told the same thing at around the same age as i am now (28)  and who is now 38 and just having a baby! Thanks Tanya... it means so much that you keep giving me hope! Hope... its amazing how it can make such a difference!!!

But wait there is more... we have had 5 funerals in the 3 months. Some anticipated, some not. I have decided I am now getting pretty good at the whole funeral thing. I just hate that I have to loose acquaintances, friends and loved ones to prove I can survive these sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes tragic events. I send great love to everyone who has lost someone dear to them... no matter when. It is not an easy thing.... my deepest condolences.

Would you believe that one of the things that has been getting me through this is the love and support  I have received from this community, and the positive actions people have taken and the small kindnesses we have witnessed through these last few months.

My sister who took on a role as an administrator on the Facebook page whilst I was on my Round the World adventure, has been so supportive in everything I have done. From the first day I decided to try make this project work (in its original form) to now and, I am sure, well into the future, she has encouraged and supported me. Even whilst we have both been grieving and struggling and doing our best to just keep moving forward. Thank you beautiful!

My brother-in-law who has been a quietly strong rock that we have all leaned on at one stage or another this last few months. He looks after his wife (my sister) with love and compassion. And yet he grieves too. After all he was mates with my dad for the 17 years that Vandra and her hubby have been together. And probably a few years before that too. Thanks for all the support Glen. Your energy and enthusiasm with your extracurricular commitments, your kindness to mum, and your quiet words of encouragement really make a difference to me.

Oh the kids. The bringers of light, love and endless joy (ok... and the occasional tantrum)! From my niece being able to walk around with a spoon on her nose (which is Soooooo Epic!!!!) to my nephew calling me to tell me he had his Plate out this afternoon. I love being there for you, and I am so proud of the awesome little people you have become. I love you so much! and thanks for telling me you love me too, even when it might not be "Cool"! Thanks you beautiful ones!!!!


Our family seems to have gone through hell this year. We have been broken into a million pieces and scattered to the wind, only to find that our friends and some family have been catching our fragile pieces and slowly putting us back together. It might not be exactly the same as it was before. But somehow with all the glue and scotch tape used to put us back together we are coming out stronger than before. And that is a blessing.

Thank you to everyone... whether you read this tonight or tomorrow or in 50 years time. YOU are totally and utterly appreciated!!!!!!!

Oh and as for kindnesses... they might not be as exciting as some, after all i am earning my keep as a carer at the moment, but i am still doing them. Every single day! As promised! I hope you are acting with kindness too! :)

with great love to you all...
Luv Daena xxxx

A wedding & a funeral...

Hi everyone, 

So I've just had one of the busiest and most challenging couple of weeks of my life. Filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows! 

I have been talking for a while about preparing for hens nights, kitchen teas & my best friends wedding. So I have been very busy preparing all of that, and making sure that each event came off without a hitch! Which, thankfully, it did! :)

(Minion themed Hens party photo)

I have also been busy fulfilling roles as sister and "the best Aunty ever" for my sister & nieces birthdays also! 

But there was one thing I had not prepared myself for...

My dad, Victor passed away on the 19th of Feb after a long and complicated illness with Cerebral Amyloid Angiopathy! His death was both tragedy and blessing! He doesn't suffer any more, but we all miss him dearly! 

(Photo of the flower the staff laid on my dads chest after he passed away... Such a beautiful & simple gesture.. A wonderfully touching kindness)

Dad died exactly between my sister and nieces birthdays (who are exactly a week a part) and a week and a half before my best friend Tanya's wedding to her now husband Isaac! So not only were we coming to terms with the loss of my dad but we still had a 6 year olds birthday and a wedding to get through too! And then chuck in a funeral and you can begin to understand what my life was like last week! 

Dads funeral was beautiful! It was everything he asked for and we could have hoped for! So, I just want to say thank you to everyone who made it to dads funeral! It made a huge difference to see people we haven't seen in years, people who have come from all over the state & those who have been there for us through it all! No matter who you are and how often we see you now, thank you for making dads funeral such a special event for us and a beautiful way to celebrate the life of an extraordinary man!

Also, Thank you to all those people who sent cards, condolences, love and flowers to us this last couple of weeks! It has helped my family & I in our grief, to know others are thinking of and sending their love to us! 

I know I am still coming to terms with the fact my dad isn't just down the road for me to chat to when I want. And I keep waiting for it to really hit me... But I guess having the wedding to focus on after the funeral was what I needed because I haven't had a chance yet to wallow in my sorrow. 

For those who wanted to know how Tanya & Isaacs wedding went... It was amazing! Tanya got me in a dress, high-heels, makeup & fancy hair, which I have to say is an achievement in itself! :) 

(Photo curtesy of: Kye Ellen)

I was completely overwhelmed with the love they have for each other & their friends & family! And the love that they & their friends & family bestowed on me! I gave my obligatory maid of honour speech and after a few jokes, shared a bit about who these amazing people are for me...their love, support & generosity!  And Included what they did for me during dads funeral, where both of them played a supportive role! And doing this all just days before their own wedding! I am so blessed to have these two people in my life! 

(Photo curtesy of Kye Ellen)

I wish Mr & Mrs Mead all the happiness in the world! 

(Photo Curtesy of Linda H ) 

Please excuse me whilst I may not post for a while... It does not mean I have given up my kindnesses! In fact I see their importance now, so much more than before! I am, after all, the legacy of my father, & he was such an amazing man! Dad & my mum taught me about kindness, generosity & compassion and I have a deep need & responsibility to share those things with others! 

I hope you are all well! I send my love to you all! Thanks for hanging in there with my blog! 

Much love, 

Daena x